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#2016December
So I’m sitting here amongst my yarn with the pup next to me & a lot of crazy is going through my brain because I have many different synapses firing – right now it’s very frustrating because I’m not in full control of those synopses. I don’t want to say that I regret what I happen last night but it’s definitely bothering me right now, it’s bothering me because I cannot do anything about the problem-the problem is Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. No it’s not me, it’s someone that I was social with in the past, someone I never met in person but someone who is in my home state and at one time I thought would be a great relationship partner. Frustrated because I can’t do anything to help him. Once again I find myself upset with God because this particular individual will be being number five who I will eventually lose to cancer-it’s absolutely heartbreaking & frustrating. W/my relationship history-it seems like I always get the short end of the stick no matter which way it’s shaken. Never have I really had someone outside my family who is strong enough to stay in my life outside of friendship for more than one year. I know I’m not the most perfect sweet angel in the world but honestly each time I lose somebody-my willingness to open up to someone new goes down the fucking toilet even farther. Am I happy in general yes. Could life be improved, Absolutely but do I know what God has in store for me? Absolutely not and sometimes that is frustrating not knowing what lays ahead. But I will say this that I get more and more angry and frustrated with him the more he puts people in my life and then rips them away again. Yes I’m a social butterfly because I like people for the most part-but do I want to engage in activities like a put me in danger?absolutely not. I like getting to know people and I like getting to know people before I meet them in person because I like knowing what I’m getting myself into or possibly getting myself into. Relationships is not the only topic that is frustrating me right now. The world and what is going on in it; it’s absolutely fucking atrocious. Atrocious that the higher power is allowing this to happen allowing our country our world to be destroyed by evil. Evil that has no regard for life for sanity for civilization. Many a times I wish that we could turn back time-go back to the 90s. The 90s, was a time that I may be young and innocent but it was somewhere that there was a feeling of calm and safeness. Thinking about turning back the time clock, if only I could go back and do some things over with the knowledge that I have now I think I think I would be more productive and successful with life-Lord knows that I’m somewhat unsatisfied with the way things have unfolded for me. Sometimes I live life through others daydreaming / wondering what it would be like to live it myself. So now I’m sitting here still watching The crime investigation network. This morning I canceled my #PlentyOfFish profile and I temporarily took a stab at #Match.com which only lasted several hours when I figured out that you’d have to pay through the nose to get full features which is something that I promised myself come 2017 I will not be paying for anything extra/premium for any of my social networks except for my website domain. I do not feel it is proper to be forced to pay for something when there is zero guarantee even the quote I met someone” guarantee from match-there is no real guarantee it when you “meet someone” that that someone is the right someone. And when you are on able to outline your profile the way you want you are not able to get or even have a chance to get what you may be interested in. So I am feeling a little bit better than I was when I first started writing I- what to do tonight? Same old shit different night, life doesn’t change much lately-I know that I have to initiate the change but when there are some people who are close minded or do not take a chance then they never know what an awesome person I can be.

Written by Chiefxpressdog
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